16 03 2011

What do you do when you keep finding yourself in a situation that you’ve been in many times and never had any idea what to do each time? What do you do when each option you have leads you into one of the above options? Each one a dark road. Do you do what was done last time hoping for a different result? Or do you choose an option that you’ve never done before in hopes of a more favorable result?

The cycle has to end sometime. Is this happening so that your able to predict each outcome for each option the next time this occurs for you? But what if that option that didn’t work last time is the one that works THIS time?? How are you able to confidently choose that one if it has failed you before?

As unfavorable as each option looks, they all have to be weighed before making a choice. After all of the above questions are asked, the most important one that should influence the decision is:

Which option will keep ME in order?


Listen and Filter

15 03 2011

We all like to go to our closest friends for advice on our situations because they usually aren’t unique situations. There has to be someone who’s had experience in whatever it is your involved in and can offer some advice and maybe a plan too.

Problem with that is when you begin to open yourself up and your friend begins to give you their interpretation of whats going on. Depending on how receptive you are to advice you’ll either agree or disagree with what they are saying. Usually disagree because at the moment your blinded by the outer appearance of things and are not revealing every factor to your listening ear. We also may disagree because truthfully we all have that one specific piece of information we are looking for but can’t seem to grasp. We feel that once we get it we can regain control over our situation.

When you agree, take the advice but filter it so that you may still remain congruent to yourself while utilizing this new found information. Feel for yourself whether it will work and then slightly incorporate it into your plan of action. Always stay true to yourself because once the advisers and listeners are gone from you, your still stuck with the issue and have to make a decision. They wont be there or be affected by it. You will. Always do whats best for you.

Diamond in the Sky

3 03 2011

Cuffing Season

26 10 2010

When I first saw the title of this song I thought it to be another joke towards Cuffing Season. Not The case. This actually puts part of my attitude towards it into words.

Chris Faust – Cuffing Season f. Cocoa Sarai

I never knew…

22 03 2010

*Monday, June 26, 2006*

Does that make me a fool? Or does it make me a sucker for the next female that comes my way halfyway correct? Does this search and interest in the special connection a man and woman who have been married over 20 years turn me into someone going on a wild goose chase? Does this emotion even exist anymore in todays new generation or has it been secretly broken down and dissolved into the bottle I drank from after birth and hidden from society this long? Maybe my eyes have been opened to see how this world is beginning to break apart from the very foundation that brought it together and gave it life. I don’t know anymore. Maybe it’s been turned into a cruel game that is now used daily for that one glance or minute of attention. That one comment about an outfit or hairstyle. That one scent of perfume or one phone call, text, e-mail, smile, hug, kiss or evening alone. I’m not too sure anymore.

Maybe it’s evolved into more than an emotion. Maybe thats why it is rarely felt anymore because we’re still on its first stage which is only a lust. Maybe we use this word now to keep a leash on someone, a selfish attitude which may not always be bad if both are on one chord. Or maybe…love is that excited feeling we all get that first time a conversation occurs and many smiles appear, even after the two are seperated. Maybe thats it yea….no. Or maybe its that feeling of distance or that your being ignored when you haven’t talked to them in what you may consider a long time. That distance that causes you to wonder whats going on and become anxious to hear from them…but when you do…you have no words. I don’t know.

How can you say that you love me, when you can’t even tell me where your going? How can you have love for me if you don’t even see me? How can you possibly expect me to believe your words when thats all that they are? I never asked for this. How can you prove it to me when you’ve did the same proof for someone else a week ago? How can you expect something out of me when I never expected anything out of you. Why couldn’t it have been just me and you together…and not just…everyone. How can you POSSIBLY come to me as an adult…a grownup…a grown woman…and gamble with my life after I came to you honest and direct with my all, good and bad. How can you disrespect me as a man and have me find out through your own family that I was never the only one from the beginning? How is that love? Is that even an emotion that you showed me this whole time? Is it in the dictionary? How can I continue to be your friend, your “lover”, when you can’t even give me what I desired as a man. How can I continue to give you the desire(s) of your heart when cannot even attempt to acknowledge my one desire to have love?

What was I thinking? What made me go up to you that day in the mall? What made me want to talk to you more often. What did I see in you that you have now so crucially hidden in your own temple? What would have happened if I wasn’t curious and only came after you for one thing? What is this emotion that I feel now? This is new to me..I think I need to go lay down…what is going on in my head? What’s wrong with my outlook on life now? Why do I have the desire to never love again? Was that even love I felt? I thought love was mutual? How could it have hurt me this much? I must get away…this is too much and I never asked for it. I did nothing to you to make you do this to me. You are no longer my friend. I must move on…

When can I love again. As hurtful as it is…I desire this feeling. I desire…just a hug…a quick kiss. Maybe just a touch will satisfy me. Calm my soul. It’s been so long that I don’t even think I’ll trust love when it kisses my forehead. I don’t think I’ll recognize it if it asked if I did and even gave it’s name. I most likely won’t even know it when searched for it myself. Maybe that’s wats caused me to find myself with this person that I haven’t known a week…3 days even. All I wanted was to feel it again…just for it to touch my shoulder. No no…this is wrong your not love…your what I want now. You have made me stop believing in love. If I can continue this feeling then maybe i won’t be hurt anymore. Maybe I won’t feel what I felt before that caused me to turn to you. But the thing that I already have known for so long through experience…is that even when something is artificial…it’s still mimic’d after it’s original…with stronger defections that won’t take as long to appear. Maybe this is what has turned me into a fool.

What should I do. No one taught me how to handle this, i was only told the good. I want the good…I want love. I can’t say again because I don’t even know if I felt it the first time…or second. Maybe this is why I never knew what love was…

Lolly Gagging…

22 03 2010

*Thursday, November 09, 2006*

Keep it clear…

Nobody knows yourself better than you. You can have friends closer than family who can predict your every move but even still there is no one on earth that knows what you want better than yourself. You can go out with someone for a while, they still may not know how you really feel and you can only guess about them. There’s that feeling that since you throw a couple of hints around that they’ll catch on and stay around, but not everyone can read those. To you it may be obvious, but to someone else it can mean a whole nother thing…

stop wasting time and get to the point..

My Knife

22 03 2010

*Friday, December 22, 2006*

Your here. You stand in front of me. We talk, well, you talk. To you I seem to be listening. But what runs through my mind is how I can tell you how i feel. I watch you talking and I find myself in you. Now how can I explain it. In what way can I come out and not just tell you, but have you understand that I’m not joking. I’m not just telling you because everyone else is. I tell you because it’s no less than real. I didn’t just meet you, I’ve known you for a while. Your my friend. I’m in no rush, but this is an urgent moment in time for me to take advantage of. I can choose to open my mouth and release, but somethings in the way. Something’s caught in my throat and the only thing that comes out is…..a shrug.


Now we’re both confused. I was already nervous but now I’m just all flustered. Mind goes to millenium speed and everything that I spent so much time thinking is GONE. Start from scratch. To me, that’s not good enough, so you know what I do? I tell jokes to distract from the truth…wasting time….

Too self conscious to speak my mind. Too afraid of your response. I write to explain, to speak my mind. Some things one can only put on paper. Others just won’t work. I write and I write….but for what? An applause? A handshake? For what? maybe that’s the only way you can get through to someone. Inspire me. I don’t want to catch a feeling and instead of telling you personally I run to my pad and jot it down. I don’t want to put it all down on here and wonder how I can tell you when in reality you have no barrier and I can immediately let you know. It’s all me. My own mental block that’s stoping me. Somehow I have to get over this. I go through enough. I have stress all around me. I have to focus on my future, get my money, take however long I need to for my degree….but when i see or hear you……nothing even matters

In my mind it’s alright, next time will be different. But I don’t realize that I’m not the only one that wants to do this. Someone else might take full advantage and get the job done while I’m laying in my bed looking through my mind trying to search for the words…..my knife…..to split open my heart…..and let my soul bleed to you…..