I never knew…

22 03 2010

*Monday, June 26, 2006*

Does that make me a fool? Or does it make me a sucker for the next female that comes my way halfyway correct? Does this search and interest in the special connection a man and woman who have been married over 20 years turn me into someone going on a wild goose chase? Does this emotion even exist anymore in todays new generation or has it been secretly broken down and dissolved into the bottle I drank from after birth and hidden from society this long? Maybe my eyes have been opened to see how this world is beginning to break apart from the very foundation that brought it together and gave it life. I don’t know anymore. Maybe it’s been turned into a cruel game that is now used daily for that one glance or minute of attention. That one comment about an outfit or hairstyle. That one scent of perfume or one phone call, text, e-mail, smile, hug, kiss or evening alone. I’m not too sure anymore.

Maybe it’s evolved into more than an emotion. Maybe thats why it is rarely felt anymore because we’re still on its first stage which is only a lust. Maybe we use this word now to keep a leash on someone, a selfish attitude which may not always be bad if both are on one chord. Or maybe…love is that excited feeling we all get that first time a conversation occurs and many smiles appear, even after the two are seperated. Maybe thats it yea….no. Or maybe its that feeling of distance or that your being ignored when you haven’t talked to them in what you may consider a long time. That distance that causes you to wonder whats going on and become anxious to hear from them…but when you do…you have no words. I don’t know.

How can you say that you love me, when you can’t even tell me where your going? How can you have love for me if you don’t even see me? How can you possibly expect me to believe your words when thats all that they are? I never asked for this. How can you prove it to me when you’ve did the same proof for someone else a week ago? How can you expect something out of me when I never expected anything out of you. Why couldn’t it have been just me and you together…and not just…everyone. How can you POSSIBLY come to me as an adult…a grownup…a grown woman…and gamble with my life after I came to you honest and direct with my all, good and bad. How can you disrespect me as a man and have me find out through your own family that I was never the only one from the beginning? How is that love? Is that even an emotion that you showed me this whole time? Is it in the dictionary? How can I continue to be your friend, your “lover”, when you can’t even give me what I desired as a man. How can I continue to give you the desire(s) of your heart when cannot even attempt to acknowledge my one desire to have love?

What was I thinking? What made me go up to you that day in the mall? What made me want to talk to you more often. What did I see in you that you have now so crucially hidden in your own temple? What would have happened if I wasn’t curious and only came after you for one thing? What is this emotion that I feel now? This is new to me..I think I need to go lay down…what is going on in my head? What’s wrong with my outlook on life now? Why do I have the desire to never love again? Was that even love I felt? I thought love was mutual? How could it have hurt me this much? I must get away…this is too much and I never asked for it. I did nothing to you to make you do this to me. You are no longer my friend. I must move on…

When can I love again. As hurtful as it is…I desire this feeling. I desire…just a hug…a quick kiss. Maybe just a touch will satisfy me. Calm my soul. It’s been so long that I don’t even think I’ll trust love when it kisses my forehead. I don’t think I’ll recognize it if it asked if I did and even gave it’s name. I most likely won’t even know it when searched for it myself. Maybe that’s wats caused me to find myself with this person that I haven’t known a week…3 days even. All I wanted was to feel it again…just for it to touch my shoulder. No no…this is wrong your not love…your what I want now. You have made me stop believing in love. If I can continue this feeling then maybe i won’t be hurt anymore. Maybe I won’t feel what I felt before that caused me to turn to you. But the thing that I already have known for so long through experience…is that even when something is artificial…it’s still mimic’d after it’s original…with stronger defections that won’t take as long to appear. Maybe this is what has turned me into a fool.

What should I do. No one taught me how to handle this, i was only told the good. I want the good…I want love. I can’t say again because I don’t even know if I felt it the first time…or second. Maybe this is why I never knew what love was…

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