My Knife

22 03 2010

*Friday, December 22, 2006*

Your here. You stand in front of me. We talk, well, you talk. To you I seem to be listening. But what runs through my mind is how I can tell you how i feel. I watch you talking and I find myself in you. Now how can I explain it. In what way can I come out and not just tell you, but have you understand that I’m not joking. I’m not just telling you because everyone else is. I tell you because it’s no less than real. I didn’t just meet you, I’ve known you for a while. Your my friend. I’m in no rush, but this is an urgent moment in time for me to take advantage of. I can choose to open my mouth and release, but somethings in the way. Something’s caught in my throat and the only thing that comes out is…..a shrug.

What?

Now we’re both confused. I was already nervous but now I’m just all flustered. Mind goes to millenium speed and everything that I spent so much time thinking is GONE. Start from scratch. To me, that’s not good enough, so you know what I do? I tell jokes to distract from the truth…wasting time….

Too self conscious to speak my mind. Too afraid of your response. I write to explain, to speak my mind. Some things one can only put on paper. Others just won’t work. I write and I write….but for what? An applause? A handshake? For what? maybe that’s the only way you can get through to someone. Inspire me. I don’t want to catch a feeling and instead of telling you personally I run to my pad and jot it down. I don’t want to put it all down on here and wonder how I can tell you when in reality you have no barrier and I can immediately let you know. It’s all me. My own mental block that’s stoping me. Somehow I have to get over this. I go through enough. I have stress all around me. I have to focus on my future, get my money, take however long I need to for my degree….but when i see or hear you……nothing even matters

In my mind it’s alright, next time will be different. But I don’t realize that I’m not the only one that wants to do this. Someone else might take full advantage and get the job done while I’m laying in my bed looking through my mind trying to search for the words…..my knife…..to split open my heart…..and let my soul bleed to you…..

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